If I Had a Million Dollars

One thing that I've always wanted to see is one place, one drive-through, one counter, where you could get all of your favorite fast-food in ONE spot.

For instance, a Jack-in-the-Box Sirloin Burger with Crinkle Cut Fries from Culvers, a Route 44 Limeade from Sonic and then a Dairy Queen something for desert.

Because quite honestly, I love fast food, I just don't like one particular franchise's selection across the board.

What would be your favorite fast food mash? If you could get something from all of your favorite in one spot?

Cross Posted at The Daily Brief.

i have better cleavage than rachael ray

I watch a lot of food programs. I like food. I like looking at food, making food, eating food and talking about food. I'm not one of those foodie people, because foodie people don't daydream about Weinerschnitzel chili dogs. I just like food.

There's a ton of food programming out there. From Iron Chef to the public access channel where this morbidly obese priest whips up food from heaven, there are more food shows on at any given time than repeats of Law and Order.

I don't watch them all. In fact, I avoid a lot of them. And while I find it interesting that I have no use for any cooking show hosted by a woman, that's another story for another day, the day where I tell you all how I am a misogynist trapped in a woman's body. Today we are just going to focus on the worst thing to happen to food since Bobby Flay: Rachael Ray.


Now, I know what you are thinking. I'm a female. Rachael Ray is a female. Rachael Ray is cute and perky and has bouncy - if small - tits. Therefore, my hatred must be founded in some kind of jealousy. Wrong. I like perky women. I like bouncy tits. I just don't like them on Rachael Ray. Besides, I have much better cleavage than her.

Let's look at all the reasons why Rachel Ray is on my hate list.

1.She comes from Oprah. Nothing good has ever come from Oprah.
2. When I watch her talk, I feel like she's a little kid trapped inside a woman. Like part of her brain never made it past 12. Sometimes I just want to pat her on the head and say "Hah, cute little kid. Now go run and play and let the grownups work in the kitchen."
3. Her cutesy little phrases. EVOO. Delish. This goes along with her 12 year old personality. What irks me most about the stupid phrases is the people who repeat them. Saying "Yum-O" while trying to seduce a national audience into believing you can cook is bad enough, but when some soccer mom in a chain restaurant looks lovingly at her fajitas and says YUMO!, you just want to smack a bitch. Two bitches.
4. She's not a chef. Stop calling her a chef. She's a cook and a mediocre one, at that.
5. The FHM photoshoot. Seriously. I'm not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination, but the whole idea of catering to men who have this idea that women are good for sex and cooking irritates me. Here's this woman who is running a media empire, who is famous for her cooking and she still finds it necessary to pose like this for publicity. Honestly, she doesn't pull it off well, anyhow. She looks like she'd be frigid in bed.
6. I like my food people to have personalities that make me want to eat with them. Even the fat priest on my local cable channel looks like fun. Anthony Bourdain, Andrew Zimmerman - I could definitely hang with them and talk about food all night. Hell, I'd even hang out with that weirdo Alton Brown. But five minutes with Rachael Ray would make me want to drown her in a vat of EVOO.
7. The goofy faces. My god, I want to punch her.
8. Hypocrisy means nothing to her when faced with the opportunity to make more money. She started Yum-O, an organization that tackles childhood obesity and promotes healthy eating to children. Then she signs with Dunkin Donuts. Then again, this is a woman who wants you to spend 20 bucks to put your food scraps in a "garbage bowl" designed by her. You know, instead of just using a plastic freaking bowl you already have in your closet. Or, say, the garbage pail.
9. Her followers. I can only hope the Rachael Ray minions come here and tell me what a loser I am. Those people are legion. They are the mindless throng born of Oprah, the same people who will read one of Oprah's book choices and profess it to be the greatest piece of literature ever, just because their goddess recommended it. They are the same people who think Dr. Phil actually knows what he's talking about. The same people who call Rachael Ray a chef and spend 20 dollars on a garbage bowl. Yea, I'm talking about YOU. Bring it.

In conclusion: I am a better cook than Rachael Ray. I have better cleavage. And I will never say Yum-O! while going down on you.


Found: People who hate Rachael Ray more than I do.

What? Is up? With airline food?

Enough has been written about how much airline food sucks. I've never had a good airline meal and I bet you haven't either.

It's bad enough that they foist that crap upon us but now, in an effort to save money, many airlines are charging extra for meals. As if merely giving it to you wasn't bad enough, they now have the audacity to ask for money for this "food."

I just flew out to Oregon and on my flight from Memphis to Seattle, they provided us with beverages but charged for any food. Pringles? $3 for a small can. A pre-prepared "meal?" More than $6.

I understand that fuel prices hit the airline industry more than many others, but Jeebus people, charging extra cash for the extravagant airline feasts is like shooting yourself in the foot. Just drop the meals all together and make us bring our own stuff to nom.

Pie Fight!

In keeping with this weeks food related posts, we give you the following:

Pie Fight!!

Poll's on the right, vote for your favorite pie! Will Coconut Creme reign supreme ? Will the Lemon Custard cut the mustard ? And can Peach overtake both Blueberry and Apple ? Your votes will decide!


Must! Stop! Using! Exclamation! Points!

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eating for who?

i love food.

i mean i LOVE food. so much that my fiance is constantly saying to me "honey, you're a good eater." and i am.

i usually eat what's on my plate and what's left on yours. yeah, i'm that girl.

the nice thing is that i've always been basically pretty thin. probably because i'm fairly active. i lived in key west where my bicycle was my mode of transportation. i lived in hollywood where i walked pretty much everywhere until i bought my motorcycle. i lived in austin where i was a meth addict, so no fat there really. and no food either, but that's a story for another day.

so once i got clean i started to pack on a few extra pounds. because, well, i stopped doing drugs. and i started eating. and i wanted to keep eating.

so VERY recently i started to workout. in a gym. ... yeah, i know. i have always been against working out. mostly because it sounds like it would suck. and pretty people do it. and i hate pretty people.

but i didn't want to stop eating. so you see my dilemma. i had to do it. so for 4 weeks i did the elliptical machine and nothing else. most everyday after work. and even when i traveled to see my dad in VA while he got his first surgery i worked out in the hotel gym both days.. IN A HOTEL GYM. ick, now i'm THAT girl.

so i started to lose the extra pounds and everyone was noticing, i was feeling good and still eating what i wanted. like a twice weekly egg custard sno-ball with marshmellow topping. yum. see? i'd rather work-out than change my eating habits. and that's pretty drastic.

but in the past two weeks i've changed my eating habits. i shit you not. i went all organic. i am eating no simple carbs only complex (yeah i had no idea either.) i am eating lots protein and very little fat, tons of vegetables and very little red meat. no caffeine, no butter (yes margarine) no sweets.

wtf? this from a girl who could eat half a carton of oreos before bedtime?

when i quit drugs it was pretty hard. in fact it took me a couple of go-rounds even though drugs were undeniably taking my life.

when i quit cigarettes, it was less hard, believe it or not. i just didn't want to be a smoker anymore. there were three tough days, but other than that it wasn't like what they say. (the trick is that there is never "just one" cigarette.)

when i changed my eating habits overnight it wasn't hard at all. (i got off the caffeine in three days. with one headache. and let me tell you, i was drinking coffee morning noon and night. i know you other alchies and addicts know what i'm taking about)

so how and why did it change? well, it turns out i'm not just eating for me anymore. :)

!!!

Food, glorious food

What can I say about food? I can tell you that other than alcohol and cigarettes; food is my favorite consumable. I can remember when food was the only one of those three that I had ever had, and it was a much better time for my body back then. I've been without alcohol for years, and cigarettes have really become tedious, but I don't think I could ever go without food. FOOD, I love it, man! I can honestly say that I don't go a single day without thinking about food two or three times, sometimes a lot more. I should mention that if it weren't for food, well, I wouldn't be the man I am today, and that is no exaggeration. I've been eating food longer than I've been doing anything else, it's a lifelong obsession of sorts. Yeah, me and food; we have a committed thang goin' on.


I could go on and on about my love of food, I really could, but I should leave some of the praising of food for other people to touch on. I should narrow my focus to a specific food item, or something. Yeah, that sounds good, so that is what I'll do.


My favorite food. Well, first of all, without a doubt, no contest, my favorite food item is cheese. I need to get that out of the way. Whatever I blathered on about previously concerning my affection for food; double that for cheese. And I don't play favorites with cheeses, I love them all. Aside from 'cottage' cheese, which is some sort of curds and whey prank based on a nursery rhyme. That's the great thing about cheese; there are hundreds of different varieties, you can't get bored with cheese. I like the sharp stuff, the mellow stuff, the stuff so runny you need a spoon, the stuff so hard you can only grate it or chip it, the stuff that is more mold than dairy, even the stuff that is more pasteurized processed product than cheese. I could be a vegan if they allowed cheese, heck, I could live on cheese alone if my bowels would continue to operate correctly on that diet. My point is, I am quite fond of cheese.


My favorite food right now is a sandwich (sammich) that I helped design with a loved one, quite by accident one day last month. We were having a light lunch, toasted brie and tomato sandwiches (sammiches) to be more precise. It was a lazy weekend day, so we had pretty much just gone from breakfast to laying about until we were peckish and decided to have some lunch. After braving the hazards of Lovey's precariously balanced pantry to retrieve her folding griddle thingy, I watched as she put the first brie and tomato sandwich (sammich) on. I noticed that there was a half an avocado from breakfast lying on the counter, and suggested that she add that to the second sandwich (sammich) which she was about to start cooking. As we sat on her couch, she had given me the one with the avocado, I offered her a bite. We both agreed, it was really a great sandwich (sammich). I insisted she trade other halves with me so that we would both have half a good sandwich (sammich) and half a great one. I tried to make this sandwich (sammich) once I returned to the drudgery of home, and it wasn't great. It was still pretty good, but I think my choice of brie was a little too soft, I used too much avocado, and I didn't have the awesome fluffy toast that she had at her house.


Speaking of toast, other than cheese; what is better for enjoying than some delicious toast? Oh, sure, there is a case to be made for crackers, and don't get me started on GRAHAM crackers, but there's something so pure and simple about toast. No pretensions, no gaudy embellishments, just good, honest, hard-working, crispified bread. It's the workhorse of the leavened and heated grain products, that's for sure. Oh, let the bagels and croissants scoff from their ivory towers, let the pitas and tortillas flaunt their multitasking abilities, let the ciabatta and focaccia go pronounce themselves; we know the truth, and the truth shall set us free.


Baron Von Suckhausen (writing as Yellowbeard)

BBQ

Something this morning made me think of BBQs. Maybe it has something to do with me BBQing up some fowl last night. Or maybe not.

Let me tell you about my Zapato steak.

I was once in a Mexican restaurant somewhere, probably in Lomita or Gardena or something, and an item on the menu was Zapato Steak. A zapato is a shoe, for anyone who might wonder. I didn't understand why anyone would want a "shoe steak". Or maybe I missed something somewhere, which is always possible.

And then a couple of months later someone gave me a couple of London Broils to BBQ. So I did, and forgot about them, and I ended up with Zapato steaks of my own. And the neighbors dog wouldn't eat them. The dog that ate its own shit, and the shit of every other living creature in the neighborhood, wouldn't eat these steaks.

Did I mention *Allegany Decadence? It's brown too, so I remembered it when I was thinking about shit.

What you need, first and foremost, is a motherfucker of a hangover. Chocolate graham crackers, some of that chocolate cream cheese cake frosting by.. Duncan Hines or whoever makes it. A fifth-bottle of Carolan's. Make some coffee.

When the coffee is done, pour it and all the Carolan's into whatever container you find will hold it all. Take your container of booze, your frosting and your graham crackers out onto the porch/lanai/balcony and get a head start on the day. You can even scoop the frosting onto the graham crackers and eat the graham crackers and frosting together. That's the bonus of Allegany Decadence.

*Allegany in Oregon. Not Allegheny, PA. I did not spell it wrong so cram it.