Monday, August 11, 2008

beauty products i could live without, part 1

Hey ladies - looking for a new beauty product that will make you stand out from the crowd? Something that says you are different, you are daring, you like to be tied down and seduced by anything with tentacles? Then these contacts are for you!




Secret Eyes will make you look like you just stepped out of the pages of Girls Bravo. Come on, what girl doesn't dream of recreating herself to look like a prepubescent, innocent young girl? And what guy doesn't dream of having one of his own? Just put these contacts in and soon enough, you'll have hundreds of guys with Sailor Moon fetishes knocking at your door.

Go from a used up 25 to "fuck me" fourteen for just 20 bucks!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Get some magical creatures all up in your crib

I saw the Web site for Enchanted Fairy Doors advertised at the top of Gmail when I was emailing my fellow Temple of Suckers.

Here is a description from the site: "Fairies have always been around us. Recently they have ventured out of the forest looking for new places to live. By placing an Enchanted Fairy Door™ in your home or garden you will invite the magical creatures into your home where they are sure to bring good luck!"

So wait a second. You want me to buy a door that actually does the complete opposite of what a door is SUPPOSED to do? Doors are made to keep people from just waltzing into your home like they own the place. But now I'm supposed to buy an enchanted door that actually invites fairies into my home whenever they damn well please? Let's see how much one of these things costs.

Twenty-five fucking dollars. For the price of a case of good beer one of the goddamn doors is supposed to get fairies excited about getting all up in my shit and spreading their fortune everywhere. But it isn't just the door. According to the site that is quickly pissing me off, you have to put candy and shiny things on the doorstep, because fairies like that shit. So now I have a fairy door, no beer, AND I have to put my own stuff out there on the door and believe that, when I wake up and it's gone, some fairy took the shit and not Shady Roger, the bum who lives in the alley behind my house.

Could I get anymore pissed about this site? You bet your ass I can. Because on top of all this, they have the gall to offer free shipping like it's some great treat. You're damn right you better give me free shipping! You're selling me an enchanted fairy door that allows magical creatures to enter and leave my house of their own discretion. You know what else does that? A goddamn hole in the wall, that's what.

In short, fuck Enchanted Fairy Doors.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

For Sale: A Grand Dream

(Hey look, the topic-o-meter just ticked over to "weird shit you can buy on the internet"!)

About three hours north of This City I Love And Hate is The City That Makes The Rest of Us Scratch Our Heads in Confusion and Mutter About More Money Than Brains. At times, we may even stand with our arms akimbo and wonder aloud about Just What the Hell Is Going On Up There.

Bend, Oregon.

Talk to an East-of-the-Cascades lifer about Bend and you may get a response similar to "Sure, it's pretty, but what. the. fuck?" Because, at some point, a parade of Subaru drivers and other upwardly mobile types "discovered" Bend, and then suddenly people were paying $200K for a dilapidated shack at the end of a dirt road. A "quaint ranch house with a lot of privacy. Fixer-upper. Must see to believe!!!!". Sure. I had a Cadillac once with "water-cooled exhaust" and "keyless ignition".

But Bend has a very interesting little real estate development, and it has been all over the news for the last couple of weeks. The Shire.

This is not just weird. It's sublimely ridiculous and wonderful at the same time. And fucking ballzy of the original developer, I must say. Who could resist a Hobbit-Hole for a garden shed? If I had $800K to throw around, you'd be hard-pressed to keep me out of that place, provided the HOA was moderately reasonable.

You will soon have the opportunity to purchase the entire development when it goes to Public Auction in December of 2008.

Be sure and dig into some of the recent backstory about this place. There are rumors of bank hitmen and unusual "deaths" abounding.

The question is, can you buy this on the internet? Technically, yes. You can't, of course, click a PayPal button and be done with it, but you could probably do almost the whole transaction without leaving your desk except to crap once in a while and grab another Red Bull on the way back out.

Friday, August 8, 2008

useless food inventions

I'm trying to decide which is the more worthless invention; the Octodog or the bread crust cutter. So far, I'm leaning toward the cutter.



If you bought one of these crust cutters or have ever even thought it would be a good idea to use one, you have failed at living skills and need to turn in your merit badge for basic survival. In return, you will get your merit badge in "being really fucking lazy." It's called a knife, you can probably find it in your kitchen drawer.

And despite its enticing shape, and despite the fact that it's dishwasher safe, the octodog should NOT be used as a sexual device.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Body of (JESUS!!!!) Christ


Hello! Sister Mary here, sneaking away from "Father had too much to drink again" and the rest of the boys, to play on the internets. Shocking, the internets are very shocking, but that's a story for another time...

Today I want to talk to you about eating your partner.

God and his only (admitted) son Jesus are partners for all of us and you should partake of them every Wednesday and Sunday. The Fathers will also give private eatings of the Lord if you have been especially naughty, but that honor is reserved for only a select few like that brown-noser Sister Mary Agnes - she hasn't learned to lift her hassock when she kneels for the Fathers so we can all see the evidence of her sins upon her outer garments - Amateur.

Now, where was I...

The Body of the Lord is said to come to us in the form of Communal Wafers, that melt on the tongue and stick to the roof of your mouths for a week. This is so we can taste Jesus just by sliding our tongues slowly around our upper palate and picking the pieces of God from under our dentures.

But can you tell me this? Why does the body of such a perfect vessel such as our Lord God taste like shite? It's like fekking cardboard with some God forsaken lake slime in it to hold it together.

So - I am thinking of starting a petition. The Fathers can bless the Wheat Thins just as easily and our lord will be all crispy, crunchy, wheaty goodness.

That'll pack the seats!

Until Next Time! Go With God!

always be careful what you wish for

So, one of the contributors expressed that she thought we should talk about Pie and Nipples. Again. Have we discussed that here yet? I'm not sure.

But we are now. (This would be NSFW in your average workplace)

Souvlaki with Tzatziki sauce, bitches

Hypotheticals and Rachel Ray aside, here's an actual recipe that is a favorite among my family and friends who've been lucky enough to have it with us.

My wife spent many years in Greece while her dad was stationed there in the Air Force. Something she and her siblings really loved over there was souvlaki. The following is our take on it, somewhat authentic, somewhat modified, all damn good.

The outcome of all of this is a pita wrap, basically.

There are three parts to this: the meat (souvlaki), the sauce (tzatziki), and the pitas.

Tzatziki:
While the meat is the star of the show, the sauce takes quite a while to prepare and needs to sit for a while to get the proper taste. So, start with this. We like to make A LOT of sauce to eat on the side, so this is a big version. You can pare this down if you don't want so much.
* 32 ounces sour cream (plain yogurt is used in many recipes, but sour cream is more authentic tasting and you don't have to drain it like plain yogurt)
* 6 cucumbers
* 2 tablespoons olive oil
* 1/2 cup lemon juice
* 1 tablespoon dill (mint can be substituted)
* Two whole garlic bulbs

Put the sour cream into a bowl. If it is liquidy (it does happen sometimes, especially if you use light sour cream), you need to drain it. Put some paper towels in the bottom of a strainer put the cream on top, set the strainer on top of a pan, put the in the fridge, and let drain for a couple of hours.

Cucumbers need to be peeled and seeded. You can either finely chop them or grate them. We used to grate them, but have come to prefer them finely chopped.

The garlic needs to be minced. You should get at least 8 cloves worth out of the two bulbs.

Mix this all together, put in fridge, and let it sit overnight. The flavors need this time to blend.

Souvlaki:
* 1 leg of lamb, cubed (lots of people are also using pork, chicken or beef, or a combination of them, but we have always used lamb)
* 1/4 cup lemon juice
* 1/4 cup red wine (cooking wine's good too)
* 1/4 cup olive oil
* 1 teaspoon paprika
* 1 teaspoon dried oregano
* 1 tablespoon dill (or dried mint)
* 3 cloves garlic, crushed
* Salt and pepper to taste

Cut the lamb into one-inch cubes, trimming as much of the fat off as possible. Put lamb cubes in a large bowl. Set aside.

Whisk all of the other ingredients together and pour over the meat. Massage the marinade into the meat well (get them hands dirty!) and put in the fridge for two to six hours.

When you're ready to cook, fire up the grill (charcoal, preferably). Traditionally, the meat is cooked on the grill on skewers. However, my family has discovered a much easier way of dealing with this. Both of my brothers-in-law are Domino's Pizza managers. Their pizzas are cooked on mesh pizza screens. We have found that the cubed meat cooks perfectly on the grill if you put down one of those mesh pizza screens. I have not yet gone shopping to discover a decent consumer alternative, but I do know that Domino's always has tons of extra screens they would probably get rid of.

Your grill should be at about 350-400 degrees. The meat will cook in about 5 minutes in this case. I suggest setting your oven on about 200 degrees, this way you can put your meat in the oven as you complete it and keep it warm while you get your pita bread ready.

Pita:
The best luck we've had with Pita bread was the last time we cooked souvlaki -- while on vacation in Redmond, Or. We wound up going to a Greek restaurant in Bend and buying some pitas from them. It was the freshest we've ever been able to get in the States. It's amazing how hard it can be to find decent pitas. Some day we'll start cooking our own.

Anyway, to prepare the pitas, you'll need
* Olive oil
* Paprika
* Salt

Rub both sides of the pita liberally with olice oil. Sprinkle both sides of the pita with the paprika (liberally) and salt (to taste).

Cook the pitas on the grill. You're not trying to actually get a crust, you just want to warm them up. So, 30 seconds to a minute on each side, tops.

Serving:
With an open pita, dollop on a liberal amount of the tzatziki sauce. Then drop in a good amount of meat.

Other toppings that go well on the wrap are tomatoes, lettuce and onions. We like to saute onions, but fresh, sliced onions are more traditional.

Enjoy!