Monday, July 28, 2008

The Shopping List

I gathered my to-do list for the day as I normally do every morning: directly after pooping but before showering. Step three on my list is "groceries." The only side notes for that item read PACKING TAPE, PAPER PLATES and CONDOMS.


Clearly, this was going to be an uncomfortable stare down over the check-scanner. The local Kroger checkout people, however, are pretty professional - head and shoulders above what I could expect at the local H.E.B. in San Antonio where I grew up. Odds were good, then, that I wouldn't actually receive any comments on my list. A dreadful little weasel of a thought poked his head up over the ramparts of my brain. If this won't make them say something... what will? How far will I have to go?

Intrigued, I enlisted help from the Temple Of Suck staff. In a true testament to how little each of us has to do on a Monday afternoon, it was about 90 seconds before I had a full shopping list guaran-damn-teed to make Dayshift-Checkout-Guy unable to restrain himself.

I strapped on my big-boy pants and hopped in the car. A short drive later and I nearly ran over a woman so fat her knees kept kicking her belly as she hobbled across the street on her cane. I hate grocery stores in day time.

I parked, walked in and shopped, poker face firmly planted. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get PIE nor WHISKEY & ROPE; the former because the bakery was conspiring against me and the latter because I have the misfortune to live in a semi-dry county. BEER OR WINE & ROPE just didn't have the same zing to it.

The checker was robotic, and didn't even crack a smile. "Josh", bless him, had the will of a robot. Or maybe just the poker face of a robot. Either way, I got nothing.

Today I learned two things: (1) it takes a lot more than vaguely suggestive items on a shopping cart to make the local high school kids crack and (2) for all your bondage bestiality rape needs, always go with Scotch brand Packing Tape.

Backs suck

So, I can’t blame a lack of posting entirely on my back – I have been laying around a lot because of it – but I’ll blame a lack of blogging material on that very fact.

I have recurring back pain. Last year it was a bulging disc (also slipped or herniated disc, but I like to say bulging). I figured this time around it was going to be the same thing. It sure felt similar. But I was wrong. This time it was a messed up sacroiliac joint. Appears the joint on my left side doesn’t line up right. The practical upshot of this is that I get to take a pretty neat muscle relaxers and pain killers for a couple of weeks.

That’s pretty much it. Back pain is not fun. But I am heading off to Redmond, Oregon, Tuesday night to hang out at my sister-in-law’s house for a few days. My wife’s been out there for a few days already and got to have some fun white-water rafting. Not sure if I’m jealous given my current state of back-suckitude. However, I am certainly jealous of the time off.

Hope you all had a better weekend than me.

Crossposted at Half a Pica Distance.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Hating the Hoff

What about David Hasslehoff? Please tell me there's room in everyone's heart to still hate the Hoffmeister...