Monday, July 28, 2008

The Shopping List

I gathered my to-do list for the day as I normally do every morning: directly after pooping but before showering. Step three on my list is "groceries." The only side notes for that item read PACKING TAPE, PAPER PLATES and CONDOMS.

Hmmmm...

Clearly, this was going to be an uncomfortable stare down over the check-scanner. The local Kroger checkout people, however, are pretty professional - head and shoulders above what I could expect at the local H.E.B. in San Antonio where I grew up. Odds were good, then, that I wouldn't actually receive any comments on my list. A dreadful little weasel of a thought poked his head up over the ramparts of my brain. If this won't make them say something... what will? How far will I have to go?

Intrigued, I enlisted help from the Temple Of Suck staff. In a true testament to how little each of us has to do on a Monday afternoon, it was about 90 seconds before I had a full shopping list guaran-damn-teed to make Dayshift-Checkout-Guy unable to restrain himself.

I strapped on my big-boy pants and hopped in the car. A short drive later and I nearly ran over a woman so fat her knees kept kicking her belly as she hobbled across the street on her cane. I hate grocery stores in day time.

I parked, walked in and shopped, poker face firmly planted. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get PIE nor WHISKEY & ROPE; the former because the bakery was conspiring against me and the latter because I have the misfortune to live in a semi-dry county. BEER OR WINE & ROPE just didn't have the same zing to it.


The checker was robotic, and didn't even crack a smile. "Josh", bless him, had the will of a robot. Or maybe just the poker face of a robot. Either way, I got nothing.

Today I learned two things: (1) it takes a lot more than vaguely suggestive items on a shopping cart to make the local high school kids crack and (2) for all your bondage bestiality rape needs, always go with Scotch brand Packing Tape.

13 comments:

ICB said...

By the way, you may be wondering about what innuendo I was trying to conjure with the iced tea.

No innuendo.

Just thirsty.

rammer said...

I did that once at a Meijers in Ohio. At about 9pm I checked out with condoms, sunflower oil, a six pack of beer, and two cucumbers. After checking out she said as a matter of habit, "Have a nice day."

"That's the plan." was my reply.

At that she paused and then blushed like a school girl and did the Flip Wilson Geraldine hair thing.

It was precious.

Samuel John Klein Portlandiensis said...

Too bad you couldn't get the whiskey.

Because whiskey just kicks it all up to the next level, you know.

Anonymous said...

anything you say Kruella!!!lol!!!!

YAWN!!!!!!

so sad about your guilty consciences...and the illegal slander and stalking YOU have done to me on the internet jody harmon...keep it up!!! LOL!!! i have been told MANY times that MANY MANY MANY know the TRUTH of course....

now HOW many cops in CORVALLIS told YOU to STAY OUT OF CORVALLIS???

gosh they must like YOU ALOT!!!

oh, yes, right, i AM moving to Eugene??? gonna miss me???

I bet!!!!

guess you have finally started learning your lesson finally after 30 years that you finally have to start learning to show RESPECT to people and not intimidate and threaten any ol time ya want huh???

musta been feelin sort of guilty and insecure to supposedly file false reports about people to the high and mighty

naw, no one that you especially HATE was at the Heartland thing...I am much too busy with my own life and things you have no idea crazy woman stalker slanderer you..

attacking people in their cars and lying about it online...too bad....you arent the only one with free speech

...your blubbering online is still amusing and pathetic ; keep calling people all the names ya want online, others are entitled free speech, and breath the air just like you do and take your fair or more than your share as usual....so get off your God Complex finally...

i cant WAIT to hear the next glibber of names and whines that you can think of....

so why dont you go back over to David Oakes of Mindfreedom and get together and attack and abuse other people like you are so goooood at...i am so sure he has plenty of cat poop he could loan you to adopt out , holy crap!!!!lol

strange, yanno, to think you are such an ANGEL when all you do is get online and LIE about people who TELL THE TRUTH LIKE YOU DONT!!!

..and that goes for the people who enable your lies...birds of a feather flock together....

sigh
yawn

pril said...

ode to anonymous jackoff-
I think that I will never see
a sight as beautiful
as your face on fire, flames licking across your scalp and your little gossipy tongue baked to a golden brown.
It would warm my heart to know
you were run over by a semi-truck, which backed over you and flattened you again, crushing all the bones in your body into painful, sharp shards. I'd love to hear the sound of all the air being popped out of your lungs, your last sound a quiet peep, out there on the pavement, alone. You would bleed to death.

Just a little poetry to lighten the mood. If you dish it out, by the way, you better be able to have it thrown back by commenting here. It won't get any nicer than this one.

Baby Huey said...

anon:

tl;dr.

ICB said...

Anonymous: At no point in your rambling, incoherent babble did you come anywhere near something that might be considered an actual comment.

I award you no points.

michele said...

anon, do you think you can write that again, but with, say, about 100 less words? The reader's digest version, maybe?

Rule of thumb: if you want to harass someone, be succinct about it, or your harassment loses its urgency.

Dave in Texas said...

who's the lunatic?

Baby Huey said...

dave, i'd say your mom, but i've never heard her say anything without her mouth full so i'm not sure.

kidding! ... OR AM I???

No One of Consequence said...

When I saw the picture, before I even read the post, I thought of Marge Simpson saying "I don't know what you've got planned, but count me out"

Samuel John Klein Portlandiensis said...

By the way, you may be wondering about what innuendo I was trying to conjure with the iced tea. No innuendo. Just thirsty.

Ah. Got it.

Thirsty.

Ah, hm. And by "thirsty", you obviously mean "a feeling of depletion that can only be ameliorated by ingestion of potable beverage"

See? Your innuendo is so transparent.

H. said...

pril, you are now my number one love!