Thursday, August 7, 2008

Body of (JESUS!!!!) Christ


Hello! Sister Mary here, sneaking away from "Father had too much to drink again" and the rest of the boys, to play on the internets. Shocking, the internets are very shocking, but that's a story for another time...

Today I want to talk to you about eating your partner.

God and his only (admitted) son Jesus are partners for all of us and you should partake of them every Wednesday and Sunday. The Fathers will also give private eatings of the Lord if you have been especially naughty, but that honor is reserved for only a select few like that brown-noser Sister Mary Agnes - she hasn't learned to lift her hassock when she kneels for the Fathers so we can all see the evidence of her sins upon her outer garments - Amateur.

Now, where was I...

The Body of the Lord is said to come to us in the form of Communal Wafers, that melt on the tongue and stick to the roof of your mouths for a week. This is so we can taste Jesus just by sliding our tongues slowly around our upper palate and picking the pieces of God from under our dentures.

But can you tell me this? Why does the body of such a perfect vessel such as our Lord God taste like shite? It's like fekking cardboard with some God forsaken lake slime in it to hold it together.

So - I am thinking of starting a petition. The Fathers can bless the Wheat Thins just as easily and our lord will be all crispy, crunchy, wheaty goodness.

That'll pack the seats!

Until Next Time! Go With God!

3 comments:

michele said...

I always said church would draw in a lot more people if they had flavored communion wafers.

Body of Christ - now in dark chocolate!

Timmer said...

We were still going to mass when we were stationed in Germany. They actually used little cubes cut from loaves of wonderful French Bread. Made a huge difference. You didn't go up for communion thinking, "Don't gag, don't gag, please God don't let me gag."

Lisa said...

Favorite joke EVER -- compliments of "Vicar of Dibley":

"Have you heard about the new low-fat communion wafer?"

"It's called I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus."