Get some magical creatures all up in your crib

I saw the Web site for Enchanted Fairy Doors advertised at the top of Gmail when I was emailing my fellow Temple of Suckers.

Here is a description from the site: "Fairies have always been around us. Recently they have ventured out of the forest looking for new places to live. By placing an Enchanted Fairy Door™ in your home or garden you will invite the magical creatures into your home where they are sure to bring good luck!"

So wait a second. You want me to buy a door that actually does the complete opposite of what a door is SUPPOSED to do? Doors are made to keep people from just waltzing into your home like they own the place. But now I'm supposed to buy an enchanted door that actually invites fairies into my home whenever they damn well please? Let's see how much one of these things costs.

Twenty-five fucking dollars. For the price of a case of good beer one of the goddamn doors is supposed to get fairies excited about getting all up in my shit and spreading their fortune everywhere. But it isn't just the door. According to the site that is quickly pissing me off, you have to put candy and shiny things on the doorstep, because fairies like that shit. So now I have a fairy door, no beer, AND I have to put my own stuff out there on the door and believe that, when I wake up and it's gone, some fairy took the shit and not Shady Roger, the bum who lives in the alley behind my house.

Could I get anymore pissed about this site? You bet your ass I can. Because on top of all this, they have the gall to offer free shipping like it's some great treat. You're damn right you better give me free shipping! You're selling me an enchanted fairy door that allows magical creatures to enter and leave my house of their own discretion. You know what else does that? A goddamn hole in the wall, that's what.

In short, fuck Enchanted Fairy Doors.