Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Things the internet sells...BUT TOTALLY NEVER SHOULD

I'll go ahead and start this off by admitting to the fact that I'm a bit of a sick fuck. Not the kind of guy who spends time developing a connoisseur level appreciation and understanding of the varying distinguishing characteristics of donkey porn - but the kinda guy you buy gag gifts for because you can't find anyone else who would appreciate a blow up sheep called "The Love Ewe". Yeah, that's me.

But I'm also the kind of guy who spreads my appreciation for a completely inappropriate dick joke by dressing up a dildo like a super-hero and putting it on the hood of your car in the middle of the night.

Meet the P.P.E - Purple Pussy Eater. That's his name in his regular, every day, do-gooder, clitoral pleasing life. But when he gets pissed off he transmogrifies into a behemoth of vaginal destruction known only as: SplatterPuss!!!!

Yes, this is the kind of shit that makes me giggle.

Okay fits of laughter is more like it.

Alright, gut busting, pant shitting torrents of Hyena like cackles that sends pregnant women into early labor...but come on, the PPE stands nearly nine inches tall and two - three inches in circumference. It was a huge veiny bastard, with balls like stones and it smelled like grape. How can you not find that funny?

My penchant for what some would gallows humor, and others would call the beginning strains of sociopathy, has only been exacerbated by the prominence of this here internets. There has never been a greater hive mind for focusing the sickness of the human condition like the world wide web. And that's why I love it so much; because the never ending supply of smut and filth allows for refinement of the very same subject matter. Take, for example, the case of smut gifts. Smut gifts used to be dirty little things that one carried out of dimly lit stores, canvassed in opaque paper sacks under the cover of darkness. Only to be unwrapped later behind closed doors with a healthy dollup of shame. But these days the ability to purchase a good gag gift is a super power to be touted and proud of. And something that the internet has made inherently easier and more accessible.

Inflatable sheep - easy.
Big Rubber Fist - no problem.
Personally molded, and fuckable, latex casts of your favorite porn stars genitals - I have an autographed collection sitting on the mantle. Proudly displayed like trophy's of my non existant children's accomplishments.

But internet, you've gone too god damned far!

This product of satan is called The Turd Twister. I used to joke, back when I was all pierced up, that one day I was going to get a bunch of piercings around my butthole so I could shit stars like a playdough fun factory but these jokers took all of the pain and piercing out of it and have designed an easily insertable novelty poop accessory. If Ron Popeil were an East German porn fetishist, this would have been on late night infomercials years ago. But not to be out done with only pooping stars these sadomasochists have created eighteen, YES 18, festive rings you can shove up the ole corn chute for any occassion.

there's even a case you wanna make poop shaped poop

If two girls one cup wasn't enough to make me want to break up with the internet - the fact that they'll make a sequel prominently featuring birthday cake shaped turds is more than enough.

It's over internet.

It's not me.

It's you.

It's so fucking you.


The Pirate said...

OK, The skull and crossbones turd is totally fucking me. Or will be after I allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Timmer said...

Ummm, okay...why? Why would anyone WANT to shit in shapes?

I don't understand.

pril said...

dude, timmer, why NOT is the real question!

Jeff said...

SplatterPuss... Classic! Wiped a tear from me eye!

Anonymous said...

wrong. someone sold their half-eaten hamburger on the net, ebay, for a decent price