i have better cleavage than rachael ray

I watch a lot of food programs. I like food. I like looking at food, making food, eating food and talking about food. I'm not one of those foodie people, because foodie people don't daydream about Weinerschnitzel chili dogs. I just like food.

There's a ton of food programming out there. From Iron Chef to the public access channel where this morbidly obese priest whips up food from heaven, there are more food shows on at any given time than repeats of Law and Order.

I don't watch them all. In fact, I avoid a lot of them. And while I find it interesting that I have no use for any cooking show hosted by a woman, that's another story for another day, the day where I tell you all how I am a misogynist trapped in a woman's body. Today we are just going to focus on the worst thing to happen to food since Bobby Flay: Rachael Ray.


Now, I know what you are thinking. I'm a female. Rachael Ray is a female. Rachael Ray is cute and perky and has bouncy - if small - tits. Therefore, my hatred must be founded in some kind of jealousy. Wrong. I like perky women. I like bouncy tits. I just don't like them on Rachael Ray. Besides, I have much better cleavage than her.

Let's look at all the reasons why Rachel Ray is on my hate list.

1.She comes from Oprah. Nothing good has ever come from Oprah.
2. When I watch her talk, I feel like she's a little kid trapped inside a woman. Like part of her brain never made it past 12. Sometimes I just want to pat her on the head and say "Hah, cute little kid. Now go run and play and let the grownups work in the kitchen."
3. Her cutesy little phrases. EVOO. Delish. This goes along with her 12 year old personality. What irks me most about the stupid phrases is the people who repeat them. Saying "Yum-O" while trying to seduce a national audience into believing you can cook is bad enough, but when some soccer mom in a chain restaurant looks lovingly at her fajitas and says YUMO!, you just want to smack a bitch. Two bitches.
4. She's not a chef. Stop calling her a chef. She's a cook and a mediocre one, at that.
5. The FHM photoshoot. Seriously. I'm not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination, but the whole idea of catering to men who have this idea that women are good for sex and cooking irritates me. Here's this woman who is running a media empire, who is famous for her cooking and she still finds it necessary to pose like this for publicity. Honestly, she doesn't pull it off well, anyhow. She looks like she'd be frigid in bed.
6. I like my food people to have personalities that make me want to eat with them. Even the fat priest on my local cable channel looks like fun. Anthony Bourdain, Andrew Zimmerman - I could definitely hang with them and talk about food all night. Hell, I'd even hang out with that weirdo Alton Brown. But five minutes with Rachael Ray would make me want to drown her in a vat of EVOO.
7. The goofy faces. My god, I want to punch her.
8. Hypocrisy means nothing to her when faced with the opportunity to make more money. She started Yum-O, an organization that tackles childhood obesity and promotes healthy eating to children. Then she signs with Dunkin Donuts. Then again, this is a woman who wants you to spend 20 bucks to put your food scraps in a "garbage bowl" designed by her. You know, instead of just using a plastic freaking bowl you already have in your closet. Or, say, the garbage pail.
9. Her followers. I can only hope the Rachael Ray minions come here and tell me what a loser I am. Those people are legion. They are the mindless throng born of Oprah, the same people who will read one of Oprah's book choices and profess it to be the greatest piece of literature ever, just because their goddess recommended it. They are the same people who think Dr. Phil actually knows what he's talking about. The same people who call Rachael Ray a chef and spend 20 dollars on a garbage bowl. Yea, I'm talking about YOU. Bring it.

In conclusion: I am a better cook than Rachael Ray. I have better cleavage. And I will never say Yum-O! while going down on you.


Found: People who hate Rachael Ray more than I do.