Wednesday, August 6, 2008

i have better cleavage than rachael ray

I watch a lot of food programs. I like food. I like looking at food, making food, eating food and talking about food. I'm not one of those foodie people, because foodie people don't daydream about Weinerschnitzel chili dogs. I just like food.

There's a ton of food programming out there. From Iron Chef to the public access channel where this morbidly obese priest whips up food from heaven, there are more food shows on at any given time than repeats of Law and Order.

I don't watch them all. In fact, I avoid a lot of them. And while I find it interesting that I have no use for any cooking show hosted by a woman, that's another story for another day, the day where I tell you all how I am a misogynist trapped in a woman's body. Today we are just going to focus on the worst thing to happen to food since Bobby Flay: Rachael Ray.

Now, I know what you are thinking. I'm a female. Rachael Ray is a female. Rachael Ray is cute and perky and has bouncy - if small - tits. Therefore, my hatred must be founded in some kind of jealousy. Wrong. I like perky women. I like bouncy tits. I just don't like them on Rachael Ray. Besides, I have much better cleavage than her.

Let's look at all the reasons why Rachel Ray is on my hate list.

1.She comes from Oprah. Nothing good has ever come from Oprah.
2. When I watch her talk, I feel like she's a little kid trapped inside a woman. Like part of her brain never made it past 12. Sometimes I just want to pat her on the head and say "Hah, cute little kid. Now go run and play and let the grownups work in the kitchen."
3. Her cutesy little phrases. EVOO. Delish. This goes along with her 12 year old personality. What irks me most about the stupid phrases is the people who repeat them. Saying "Yum-O" while trying to seduce a national audience into believing you can cook is bad enough, but when some soccer mom in a chain restaurant looks lovingly at her fajitas and says YUMO!, you just want to smack a bitch. Two bitches.
4. She's not a chef. Stop calling her a chef. She's a cook and a mediocre one, at that.
5. The FHM photoshoot. Seriously. I'm not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination, but the whole idea of catering to men who have this idea that women are good for sex and cooking irritates me. Here's this woman who is running a media empire, who is famous for her cooking and she still finds it necessary to pose like this for publicity. Honestly, she doesn't pull it off well, anyhow. She looks like she'd be frigid in bed.
6. I like my food people to have personalities that make me want to eat with them. Even the fat priest on my local cable channel looks like fun. Anthony Bourdain, Andrew Zimmerman - I could definitely hang with them and talk about food all night. Hell, I'd even hang out with that weirdo Alton Brown. But five minutes with Rachael Ray would make me want to drown her in a vat of EVOO.
7. The goofy faces. My god, I want to punch her.
8. Hypocrisy means nothing to her when faced with the opportunity to make more money. She started Yum-O, an organization that tackles childhood obesity and promotes healthy eating to children. Then she signs with Dunkin Donuts. Then again, this is a woman who wants you to spend 20 bucks to put your food scraps in a "garbage bowl" designed by her. You know, instead of just using a plastic freaking bowl you already have in your closet. Or, say, the garbage pail.
9. Her followers. I can only hope the Rachael Ray minions come here and tell me what a loser I am. Those people are legion. They are the mindless throng born of Oprah, the same people who will read one of Oprah's book choices and profess it to be the greatest piece of literature ever, just because their goddess recommended it. They are the same people who think Dr. Phil actually knows what he's talking about. The same people who call Rachael Ray a chef and spend 20 dollars on a garbage bowl. Yea, I'm talking about YOU. Bring it.

In conclusion: I am a better cook than Rachael Ray. I have better cleavage. And I will never say Yum-O! while going down on you.

Found: People who hate Rachael Ray more than I do.


Charlie on the PA Turnpike said...

My much-better-half enjoys (or rather enjoyed) the so-called reality show Next Food Network Star, and pointed out to me that one of the competitors eliminated, a 20-something blondie, was dropped because (in my wife's view) she was too perky, too much like Rachael.

Her logic makes sense: Can't let a young gun out-perk Rachael.

pril said...

that FHM pic doesn't even look like it's really her. it looks just like someone pasted her head on another body.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Overexposure has killed any remote appeal she ever had. And the talking, talking, talking.

The other one is the lush, Sandra, of Semi-homemade. She never looks like she eats any food, much less her own. Great drink recipes, but you just know she's a soccer-mom's soccer-mom until the booze starts flowing.

Blue State Cowgirl said...

You forgot to mention that she has no neck. And is clearly "on" something. Something not good. Something that makes you hyper and spastic. Something that should be Ritalin.

kalipornia said...

that is a pretty bad photo shoot.

i like the idea. hot chick in the kitchen cooking with little/no clothes. i like it. it's hot. i like when they do it in playboy or other and it's some chick that you know can't cook a fucking thing. i think it's hot.

but she's not hot. not in that spread anyway. extra really not hot.


courtney said...

No, I'm just going to give you fuel for your fire. I have a friend who is a marketing exec for Dunkins. She's worked with Rachel several times in the last few years, for a few reasons. Her favorite Rachel stories are as follows:
1. Demanding "real coffee"(i.e. Starbucks) on the set of her Dunkin Donuts commercial.
2. They stretch the film to make her look slimmer. She's short, and she's been eating her cooking all these years.

Enjoy. ;)

Gayle Miller said...

If she has a stylist, the stylist should be fired - forthwith! When you have teensy little tits that are spaced that far apart on your body - low cut doesn't cut it! Seriously Rache!

As to Sandra Lee - is there a more annoying women out there.

I'm also kind of "over" Paula Deen. Way too much flirting with people on the show!

Lisa said...

Jesus. I need to bleach my brain after looking at those pictures.

michael said...

I know Rachel Ray has small tits, but I would be very happy if my wife looked like that.

JD said...

"I have much better cleavage than her."

Put your cleavage where your mouth is. Let the citizens(me) be the judge! Please????

Darwin said...

That photoshoot reminds me of the time I tried frying bacon in the nude. BIG mistake...

stella frankenstein said...

she's a fucking mess, full stop. unlike the lovely bourdain, rayray can't even cook a lick.

seriously...check out some of her recipes sometime, you'll never eat again.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, those FHM photos are terrible, fake-looking, degrading and unflattering. They are also absolutely hot in a way that I find myself unable to deny.

Dr. Phil said...


Claymore said...

You know, there's a reason why this chick is called "The Ray-tard". I'm just sayin'. Oh, and while we're at it, Alton Brown is a total nut. He lives up the road from me and his daughter was a student in my wife's class...the dude has serious "nerd who got beat up in school" issues. He's also one of those "celebrities" who's always Robin Williams...annoying as hell. Give it a rest, bubba...the cameras are off.

Claymore said...

she's a fucking mess, full stop. unlike the lovely bourdain, rayray can't even cook a lick.

...but I bet she could lick a cock. Oooooh! See what I did there? Thanks, I'm here all week...try the yum-o sammies.

Anonymous said...

She is certainly lacking in the titty department(one of my female friends says she has "little boy tits"), but has a great ass.(by "great", I mean really big, of course) Her perkiness is truly offensive, and everytime she says "EVOO", she translates it, so what's the point?

conservativeinthecity said...

While I will admit you have stoked the fire to my dislike (not quiet "hate") of Rachel Ray, I was quite sad when reading point #6.

Alton Brown is NOT a weirdo. Is he a bit dorky and nerdy? Sure. However, his cooking show has single-handedly got my "into" doing my own cooking, experimenting with various dishes, and just overall do things in a kitchen I would have never attempted before.

His show "Good Eats" is the only show on TV that I will make an effort to watch whenever it comes on.

michele said...

There's good weirdo and bad weirdo. Alton Brown is good weirdo. I really like him.

Robbie C said...

Frigid in bed? See...I get the exact opposite feeling.

In fact, I think she'd be freak. A dirty, do-what-ever-I-tell-her-to-do freak.

She's the kind of girl who'd let ya backdoor her then turn around and finish you off proper.


ExurbanKevin said...

Two words:

Nigella Lawson.

Anonymous said...

You know what's far less attractive than Rachel's cleavage, "Yum-O," and even an overflowing Garbage Bowl?


I don't much care for her either, but I don't WALLOW in it the way you do!

Change the channel, awreddy. And don't be such a bitch!

michele said...

Well, that took far longer that I expected.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a wonderful post. Applause.

Perhaps Rachel Ray is a decent and moral person, but she does a fine job nullifying all of it. She tends to turn off many people because she is the worst kind of extrovert: the never ending talking with little substance, the inability to internalize anything (i.e., think), the magnification of rather insignificant things, etc.

Anonymous said...

LMAO @ robbie c.

Anonymous said...




thebluecan said...

I'd still do her. But that's not saying much. I'm drinking Miller High Life as I write this.

Dave in Texas said...

A related rant, enjoy:

Anonymous said...

Yo bitch- get over yourself-
Rachael works hard for a living- she actually earns her money and has since she started on the food network- why spend so much time dissing her looks and her weight?? Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones- like the 300 pounder who started RRSUX - get a life and leave Rachael ALONE Assholes

pamela said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is annoyed by Rachel Ray. Nobody on Earth can be that perky and cheerful all the time- maybe an hour a day which means she's probabaly a bitch on wheels the rest of the time. Her recipes suck. I have never been mpressed by anything she made. She may have small boobs but they are bigger than mine so I can't knock her for that.

In fairness, I don't thnk she has ever claimed to be a chef. I do like cooking shows a lot. I always like Mario Batali (probabaly spelled that wrong) and the guy on No Reservations.

michele said...

Anonymous idiot - I never said anything about her weight.

Pamela - that's Anthony Bourdain and he rules.

potty mouth princess said...

Hey anon 03:06:

The founder of RRSux has lost a lot of weight. She may actually be thinner than Retchel as I write by now.

You wanna see how hard Retchel "works?" Go take a business plan lesson from your queen; be sure to bring a limber mouth with an ability to deep-throat and a set of kneepads. You'll need them in your formative years.

PS: Her stylist should be shot. Even if the bitch is a blatant exhibitionist (which I don't doubt), her constant need for attention is unparralleled. She's now apparently writing a "tell all" book that will detail her husband's kinky sexual fetishes.

Good show for the kiddies, Rach.

Al said...

It's a little after one and you know what that means -- thirty minute mealtime!

And, by the way, you suck for making me watch it. I was so over Rachel. I stopped looking for a glimpse of her lacy training bra when she bent over her bowl of garbage. I stopped checking out her ass when she bent over to grab a box of something frozen. I was SO over her.

Not now. Now, thanks to you, I'm where I was. Typing with one hand and watching Rrrr Rrrr (as I like to call her) smash the fuck out of a flank steak.

Mimi said...

You know it is quite easy to said "don't watch Ray", but this proves difficult since she has sold her face to anything possiblity out there. I mean what's next, Rachael Ray Tampons? My problem with Rachael is she has a better than you attitute and she is fake. "You are a LOSER if you don't like Kiss" but since she does she's "cool". Also, YUM-O is more than just helping kids eat healthy. Having a good body image is essential part being healthy. If the founder has a negative body image, how the hell do you except the kids to feel? Just look how much they photoshop the hell out of her magazine covers! If she were just honest with herself maybe I could tolerate her.

Megan said...

THANK YOU! I also am a foodie - love to cook it, eat it, write about it, talk about it - and it HURTS to watch RR's attempts to pass off her...whatever you call "healthy" food. It's not even FOOD. I cannot believe how invasive her marketing is, either. I do not need a bottle of RR EVOO. Just say no.

I absolutely LOVE Anthony Bourdain and Alton Brown (quirky, but actually informative), and I'm totally in agreement that Bobby Flay has become a Food Network whore - although his food is often good. :)

Great rant!

Megan said...

Oh, and for the foul-mouthed anonymous...even Rachael herself admits she's never been qualified for a single job she's ever had (check out her Chefography if you don't believe me). And it's not the fact that she's chubby that bugs us. It's the fact that she insists that she's a size six, photoshops the **** out of her pictures in that rag of hers to make her look it, and claims she eats her excuse-for-food and never exercises, yet always stays slim. Lies, lies, lies.

THAT is why we hate her, and that is why we "diss her weight." Paula Deen is also fat. But she's NOT trying to pass herself off as a size six. Hence, I DON'T CARE.

More Cleavage said...

She tends to turn off many people because she is the worst kind of extrovert.
More Cleavage

pamela said...

I think Mimi and Megan really nailed it. If Rachel Ray were actually a good cook like Paula Dean or the great Julia Child that would be one thing but she's not.

She also presents herself as a sex symbol and she's really not that either. She is obnoxiuos as hell and almost as pervasive and omnipresent in the media as the other airheads of fame- Britney , Paris.

These media whores are like persistent pests such cockroachs.
I would love to go through a checkstand and not see any of thier faces, who's fueling this and why ?

T said...

This post is greatness. I don't hate... at least I try not to... but I totally agree with many of your points. Especially about how she's like a 12 year old. You had me cracking up over here.

walter2442 said...

If you are going down on ME, I won't care what you are saying!
I will return the favor though....................................................ben

Glynn said...

I don't think the pictures of her in the kitchen are her body. First, she doesn't have that much in the boob department. Second, she has a very mannish build, absolutely no waist at all. She is straight up and down and much bigger than these pictures. The skin tone of the face and body don't match. Definitely photoshopped. Second, I can't watch her. I don't like her "recipes", think she has little talent as a cook, definitely not a chef, and her personality sends me over the edge.

Jeff Stone said...

I do not even remember how I was directed to this post, but.....

I will never be able to forget the picture you painted at the very end

I will now go back to dreaming of your not saying Yumo

Great post !